March 27, 2022

 Hello Internet,

I missed my update window yesterday.  I had the blog page open, and I found myself staring at it, unable to focus.

It is Spring Break this week, which means that we have nine days off from work including the weekends.  Return to work will be difficult and, following that return, we have no more scheduled holidays off for the rest of the school year.  With my anxiety high, I know this will be a struggle for me to finish, but I have two days scheduled to take off for medical reasons. One of them will be with Noodle to get an ultrasound of our little Kangaroo; the other is a mental health evaluation that I sorely need.

I have pretty severe Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and I say severe in that it is pervasive or affecting of my life.  I am always a little bit anxious, but I have certain triggers.  Recently, I've had a lot of social anxiety, which is strange because that was not one of my major triggers when I was younger.  These sorts of things change overtime.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder.  After finishing my student teaching semseter last year and living two years without medication and uneven examples of symptoms, I've come to think it was a misdiagnosis based on other symptoms presenting in a way which my psychiatrist recognized as Bipolar.  That is to say, I think I have ADHD but went in asking about Bipolar, and so that is the rock we looked under.

ADHD is a strange mental health issue in that it's not necessarily mental health at all but neurodivergence.  From my understanding, it often exists with other comorbidities.  I wasn't diagnosed as a child.  My parents didn't look for it, and my school didn't ask about it because, when I was young at least, I was high performing enough, and when I got older, I simply dropped out.  Now as an adult, however, as I struggle to balance and keep track of things, I find it difficult to meet simple goals simply because I forget most of the goals that I have.  Student teaching and working in education as a whole are particularly difficult as organization is not my strong suit.

So far, the break has been long.  The weekend was exhausting, and today was a lot.  I will have a real break starting on Wednesday, which is something to look forward to.  Until then, I will coast.

RWS

P.S.

-Short Rest-

Books

0. Main: Pyramids by Terry Pratchett

1. Sun: (Manga) One Piece Vol. 76, Ch. 763: “Declaration of Humanity”—763 91%  (11—11)

Ruroni Kenshin Vol. 5, Act 39—39 100% (9—9)

Zombie Power 100%

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 2: Battle Tendency Vol. 4, Ch. 61: “The Bond that Binds Lisa Lisa and JoJo”—69 55% (12—20)

My Hero Academia Vol. 8, No. 63: “Yaoyorzu Rising”—71 0% (1—9)

Boruto Vol. 3, Ch. 8: “You’ll Need To Do It”—11 0% (1—4)

One-Punch Man Vol. 9, Punch 40: “The Man Who Wanted to be a Villain”—46.1 0% (1—11)

My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Vol. 4, Ch. 19: “Family”—26 0% (1—8)

2. Mon: (Fiction) Pyramids by Terry Pratchett 54% (194—358)

3. Tue: (YA) The Giver by Lois Lowry 0% (0—0)

4. Wed: (Non-Fiction) Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat (1—??)

5. Thu: (Reread) American Gods by Neil Gaiman

6. Fri: (DnD5e) Player’s Handbook by Wizards of the Coast (0–X)

7. Sat: (Fan Fiction) Final Fantasy: Fated bytinygaia Ch. 62% (32—50)

8. Squirrel: One Piece Vol. 17 Ch. 148—155

-View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman 26% (130—502)

Games

-:The Season of Square:-

0. Main: Chrono Trigger DS Reunion Ending

1. Sun1: Final Fantasy VIII 44% (24/55hrs)

Sun2: Final Fantasy IX 32% (17/54hrs)

Mon: Backlog

Kingdom Hearts: Melody of Memory 100%

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days 0% (0/34hrs)

Kingdom Hearts: RE:Coded 0% (0/26hrs)

3. Tue: DnD5e/Movie

4. Wed: Multiples

Chrono Trigger DS Reunion Ending 100%

Chrono Cross: Radical Dreamers Edition

5. Thu: Hell Night

6. Fri: Final Fantasy X-2 HD Remaster 0% (0/52hrs)

Final Fantasy X-2: Last Mission International HD 0/22hrs

7. Sat1: Main

Sat2: Xenogears 6% (4/66hrs)

-:Season of Square:- 

March 20–September 23

0. Main: Chrono Trigger DS Reunion Ending

1. Sun1: (Free Play) Final Fantasy IX 32% (17/54hrs)

Sun2: (JRPG) Final Fantasy VIII 44% (24/55hrs)

2. Mon: (Backlog) Breath of Fire 0% (0/30hrs)

3. Tue: DnD5e/Movie

4. Wed: (Multiples) Chrono Trigger DS Reunion Ending 19% (5/27hrs)

Dragon Age: Origins Kallian Tabris 14% (10/74hrs)

5. Thu: Hell Night

6. Fri: (Series) .hack//MUTATION 22% (23/50hrs(5/23hrs))

7. Sat: (Replay) Xenogears 6% (4/66hrs)

Shows

0. Main: Voltron: Legendary Defender

1. Critical Role: “The Final Chapter” 35% (131—141)

2. Funimation: Dragon Ball The General Blue Saga 42% 51—57 (6—12)

3. Owned: Firefly 14% (3—14)

4. Netflix: Moving Pictures Season 3 0% (1—6)

5. Online: Batman 36% (12—31)

6. Disney+: Marvel’s Agent Carter Season 1 0% (1—8)

7. Critical Role 7—17

Hawkeye 50% (4—6)

Movies: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

King’s Glaive: Final Fantasy XV

Godzilla: Edge of the Battlefield

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

Spring Towers 2022

 Hello Internet,

I forgot to mention in my last post: it is the first day of Spring!  Each season, I pick a series of goals which I want to achieve, and that is what I am writing about right now.  I break the goals down into four categories: Career, Hobbies, Health & Wellness, and Home & Hearth.  Each of those categories are subsequently broken down into three more categories, those being: Work, School, and Writing for Careers; Books, Games, and Shows for Hobbies; Mental, Physical, and Social for Health & Wellness; and Chores, Family, and Finances for Home & Hearth.  Here are my goals for this season:

Spring 2022

-Career-

-Work: Writing/Portfolio Plan

-Writing: Camp NaNoWriMo (50k Words)

-Hobbies-

-Books: Read Pyramids by Terry Pratchett

-Games: Beat Chrono Trigger

-Shows: Watch Voltron: Legendary Defender Season 6

-Health and Wellness-

-Mental: Mental Health Assessment

-Physical: Count Calories

-Social: Visit Brudder2

-Home & Hearth-

-Chores: Clean and Organize Garage

-Family: Baby’s Room/Move SL

-Finances: Fast Food Plan

Sincerely,

RWS

P.S.

School is currently not included because I have just graduated with my masters last year. I intend to fill it in with something I am curious about and wish to learn about moving forward, but for now I am leaving it blank as I try to tie up some loose ends with degree and licensure reciprocity.

March 20, 2022

Hello, Internet.

Over the last few weeks I have been considering a way forward.  At the end of the school year, I intend to step down from my not-so-lofty position and stay at home to work on my writing and attending to my family.  I will be a househusband with style, and I am looking forward to it.  So much so that I already have a schedule ready for it, one which I have been slowly refining as the second semester winds on.  The problem is, the more I toy with it, the less realistic it feels for me, and so I have to constantly temper my expectations, which is causing me no small amount of disappointment and anxiety.

This anxiety and disappointment has spilled over into the present day and is giving me a sense of paralysis.  I am focusing so much on what I will do in the future that I am not attending to myself right now.  Furthermore, the extra work I have had to pick up as N grows our little Bean has forced me to take on extra chores, most of which I struggle to meet as, as I struggle to meet many things.  All of it has overwhelmed me as my to-do list grows infinitely and forever longer.

S and M are going to have to share a room, and Noodle changes on a dime.  This weekend has provided me the clarity to realize that what I am doing, that is what I am currently doing, is not working and will need some paring down until I can function again.  This is both good and bad for me, as these moments often come as a result of some major event (bad), but they often lead to higher happiness and productivity--a way forward (good).

I will continue updating the blog on Sundays, but I will likely use the time either to vent or post works in progress.  Maybe I will turn Kofi and Patreon (things I haven't even brought up) into repositories for notes and the like.  I plan to do commentary pieces as tools for learning and exploring, to begin building lessons on literature and ELA for future portfolios, and other video and audio related content as I move forward.  And stories are a must.

For now, however, I am narrowing my scope.  I will keep the basic structure of my schedules but be patient with myself when I fall through, and I will focus on keeping myself afloat while the school year finishes.  Until then, I will just keep my head down and keep working, and hopefully learn to practice that patience I preach so much about to the small ladies.

Until then, later.

RWS.

P.S.

-Short Rest-

Books

0. Main: Pyramids by Terry Pratchett

1. Sun: (Manga) One Piece Vol. 76, Ch. 756: “The Fourth Step”—763 27%  (4—11)

Ruroni Kenshin Vol. 5, Act 39—39 100% (9—9)

Zombie Power 100%

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 2: Battle Tendency Vol. 4, Ch. 59: “The Wind, the Chariot and Wamuu part 9”—69 45% (10—20)

My Hero Academia Vol. 8, No. 63: “Yaoyorzu Rising”—71 0% (1—9)

Boruto Vol. 3, Ch. 8: “You’ll Need To Do It”—11 0% (1—4)

One-Punch Man Vol. 9, Punch 40: “The Man Who Wanted to be a Villain”—46.1 0% (1—11)

My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Vol. 4, Ch. 19: “Family”—26 0% (1—8)

2. Mon: (Fiction) Pyramids by Terry Pratchett 54% (194—358)

3. Tue: (YA) The Giver by Lois Lowry 0% (0—0)

4. Wed: (Non-Fiction) Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat (1—??)

5. Thu: (Reread) American Gods by Neil Gaiman

6. Fri: (DnD5e) Player’s Handbook by Wizards of the Coast (0–X)

7. Sat: (Fan Fiction) Final Fantasy: Fated bytinygaia Ch. 58% (30—50)

8. Squirrel: One Piece Vol. 17 Ch. 148—155

-View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman 26% (130—502)

Games

-Season of Square-

Currently Under Construction.

Shows

0. Main: Voltron: Legendary Defender

1. Critical Role: “The Final Chapter” 35% (131—141)

2. Funimation: Dragon Ball The General Blue Saga 42% 51—57 (6—12)

3. Owned: Firefly 14% (3—14)

4. Netflix: Voltron: Legendary Defender Season 6 43% (4—7)

5. Online: Batman 36% (12—31)

6. Disney+: Marvel’s Agent Carter Season 1 0% (1—8)

7. Critical Role 7—17

Hawkeye 50% (4—6)

Movies: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

King’s Glaive: Final Fantasy XV

Godzilla: Edge of the Battlefield

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind

March 13, 2022

 Hello Internet,

I always didn't think I was going to be able to write this today.  It has been a difficult week.  Honestly, it has been a difficult last few weeks.  Recently, they announced that a stone sealing an ancient demon had cracked in Japan, and while I don't necessarily believe in demons (at least, not those kinds), I do think that it just sort of fits with the world right now.  Things have been getting and staying worse since 2020, and it's obvious why.  We're doing nothing to solve the systemic issues that caused the problems to begin with.  Despite knowing that, it still feels all kinds of heavy.  I wonder sometimes if it was easier for my parents, raising children in the 80s and 90s, when the world was spinning along just fine, and when the pain of the world were foreign and invisible to them.

The last few weeks have been hard.  So have the last few months, and so have the last few years.  This weekend was particularly taxing for me.  Noodle's pregnancy is in full force, and her doctor has not renewed her anxiety medication.  She has been an emotional whirlwind, and I think the Small Ladies can feel it.  I've picked up what I can around the house, but organizing my own time is difficult enough without picking up the extra chores to keep the house running.  Then, we had yet another snow day, and my temporal anxiety took over.  I ended up sobbing on the kitchen floor until Noodle found me and picked me up.  She comforted me, and I made a short list to help organize all of the work that was overwhelming me.

It is times like these that I remember the importance of fiction.  When I was younger, I hated the notion of escapism.  For me, fiction was not a way to escape the world but a way to explore it safely.  And I still think that is true, but as I have grown older and (I like to think) wiser, I have come to realize that escape isn't necessarily hiding from the world.  Sometimes, however, it is pressing the pause button.  

As an adult, you come to realize that a lot of the notions you have about adulthood as a child are not true.  You grow up, and you realize that the only thing that has changed for you is that you're older now and people expect a whole lot more out of you.  They are no longer willing to make excuses for you, assuming they made excuses for you in the first place.  You are responsible for you now in a way that you were not when you were younger (assumedly). 

Life is not out to get you.  Worse than that, it is indifferent toward you.  There are not active machination to hurt you, but a world indifferent to you hurt.  A world which will not give you enough time to breathe so that it can twist the knife but instead will keep on barraging you, uncaring of the breathing you are or are not doing.  Fiction, which can be a safe space to explore complex, compelling, and sometimes dangerous ideas, can also be a safe space for you to explore nothing.  It can be a safe space for you to exist, to explore, or to simply sit.  

All of this to say, I've been playing a lot of Stardew Valley today.  It is fun, and you should check it out.

Sincerely,

RWS

P.S.

-Short Rest-

Books

0. Main: Pyramids by Terry Pratchett

1. Sun: (Manga) One Piece Vol. 75, Ch. 751: “Sabo vs. Admiral Fujitora”—752 80%  (9—10)

Ruroni Kenshin Vol. 5, Act 39—39 100% (9—9)

Zombie Power 100%

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 2: Battle Tendency Vol. 4, Ch. 57: “The Wind, the Chariot and Wamuu part 7”—69 35% (8—20)

My Hero Academia Vol. 8, No. 63: “Yaoyorzu Rising”—71 0% (1—9)

Boruto Vol. 3, Ch. 8: “You’ll Need To Do It”—11 0% (1—4)

One-Punch Man Vol. 9, Punch 40: “The Man Who Wanted to be a Villain”—46.1 0% (1—11)

My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Vol. 4, Ch. 19: “Family”—26 0% (1—8)

2. Mon: (Fiction) Pyramids by Terry Pratchett 54% (194—358)

3. Tue: (YA) The Giver by Lois Lowry 0% (0—0)

4. Wed: (Non-Fiction) Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat (1—??)

5. Thu: (Reread) American Gods by Neil Gaiman

6. Fri: (DnD5e) Player’s Handbook by Wizards of the Coast (0–X)

7. Sat: (Fan Fiction) Final Fantasy: Fated bytinygaia Ch. 58% (30—50)

8. Squirrel: One Piece Vol. 17 Ch. 148—155

-View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman 26% (130—502)

Games

0. Main: Chrono Trigger DS Reunion Ending

1. Sun1: (Free Play) Final Fantasy VIII 44% (24/55hrs)

Sun2: (JRPG) Final Fantasy Type-0 0% (0/36hrs)

2. Mon: (Backlog) Breath of Fire 0% (0/30hrs)

3. Tue: DnD5e/YT

4. Wed: (Multiples) Chrono Trigger DS Reunion Ending 19% (5/27hrs)

Dragon Age: Origins Kallian Tabris 14% (10/74hrs)

5. Thu: DnD5e Prep & Critical Role

6. Fri: (Series) .hack//MUTATION 22% (23/50hrs(5/23hrs))

7. Sat: (Replay) Xenogears 6% (4/66hrs)

8. Noodle: Final Fantasy IX 32% (17/54hrs)

Shows

0. Main: Voltron: Legendary Defender

1. Critical Role: “The Final Chapter” 35% (131—141)

2. Funimation: Dragon Ball The General Blue Saga 42% 51—57 (6—12)

3. Owned: Firefly 14% (3—14)

4. Netflix: Voltron: Legendary Defender Season 6 43% (4—7)

5. Online: Batman 36% (12—31)

6. Disney+: Marvel’s Agent Carter Season 1 0% (1—8)

7. Critical Role 7—17

Hawkeye 50% (4—6)

Movies: Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

King’s Glaive: Final Fantasy XV

Godzilla: Edge of the Battlefield

Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind