Hello Internet,
I have spent far too much time in hospitals lately. With Noodle overstuffed with a baby
Kangaroo, it is up to me to get Monkey to and from her hospital
appointments. To make matters worse,
some of Monkey’s medicine is toxic and could be dangerous to Noodle, to the
baby, or to both. This means that the
bulk of Monkey’s home medical treatment, as well as her attendance at the
hospital appointments, is reliant on me.
This is not so bad.
So far, I’ve done nothing too dangerous outside of overdose her on an
antibiotic (which wasn’t that big of a deal, actually), but it does play havoc
with my own personal sense of self and my self-esteem. You see, I have ADHD, and this inconsistent
schedule has done a lot to create more pronounced executive dysfunction in
me. Fluctuation is symptoms is normal,
but as my symptoms become more pronounced, so, too, do my symptoms of anxiety,
which creates other symptoms, as well.
Lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot of headaches, sudden
bouts of exhaustion, dizzy spells, and most recently an intense thrumming in my
right ear. The thrumming alleviated (and
was likely caused by allergies), but the others have fluctuated. Noodle seems to think it is stress, and I am
inclined to agree. Without health
insurance, however, I have no good way of finding out. With Kangaroo coming, Monkey sick, and
Squirrel being, well, Squirrel, I can feel myself wearing thin. I keep hoping that it will alleviate, and
sometimes it does, but it would be just like the world to throw another stone,
wouldn’t it? After all, when it rains.
Even if it is stress, that alone doesn’t make it an easy
problem to solve. There are no easy
solutions for stress, and with a baby Kangaroo on the way and a child with
leukemia, I cannot see any real, tangible, measurable solutions in sight. It is hard to get home in order when you
spend your days waiting for the next week-long hospital stay, and it only gets
worse when you consider that any routine you establish for yourself will be
soon be disrupted by the appearance of yet another child and their pronounced
responses to those previously mentioned changes.
Squirrel and Monkey are both mine. They are adopted into my heart and in my
mind, but legally, only Monkey has been adopted. Recently, I asked Squirrel if she would like
to be adopted (I always wanted to wait until they were old enough to decide for
themselves; Squirrel has been telling me for years that she wanted it, it was
only recently that I realized my own low self-esteem was getting in the way of
me taking care of her), and she echoed her previous sentiment with an emphatic,
“Yes!”
This year off was meant to be a time where I could write,
where I could reflect, but without healthcare and with the housing market and
inflation, if I am to be the father I want to be, then my return to the classroom
is inevitable, not potential. Doing that
will mean that I am prioritizing my family over writing, a thing that is much
harder for me to do than might be easily understood from the outside. I will do it, of course, but it also means
that there is more waiting for me to begin the next stage of my life.
In short: I like being at home. I like cleaning, and I love writing and
having time for the girls. Lately, I do
not even have time in my life to breathe or to sleep. Part of that is dysfunction but enough of it
is not. I have a lot on my plate, and
where the dysfunction makes that worse is not just the small things but that it
takes the things I like and makes them into chores for me as I struggle to find
the motivation to do anything other than live, and without the spoons I get
back from things like video games or manga, I find myself dropping plates left
and right while the sounds of them cracking around me only intensify the stress
that is making me feel so sick.
Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time waiting in hospitals and
at home, waiting for Monkey’s next stage of treatment, waiting for Squirrel to
stop fuming so that she can come back to the family with a smile, waiting for
Kangaroo to be born, waiting for school, waiting for sleep, and waiting for the
end of my year at home and the next chapter of my life to begin. I’ve been feeling dizzy and tired, and Noodle
thinks it is stress. The waiting creates
the stress but is inevitable as so little of my life is under my control, and
like an Ouroboros, each new ending is just the beginning of another new stress.
Sincerely,
RWS
P.S.
-Short Rest-
Books
Tower: The Giver by Lois Lowry
0. One Piece Vol. 100+, Ch. 1030: “Echoing the Impermanence of All Things”—1058+ 33% (15—43)
1. Sun: Fullmetal Alchemist Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”—?? 0% (?—?)
2. Mon: One-Punch Man Vol. 10, Punch 54: “Pumped Up”-54.1 80% (9—10)
3. Tue: Kingdom Hearts Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”
4. Wed: My Hero Academia Vol. 10, No. 84: “From Ida to Midoriya”—89 33% (4—9)
My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Vol. 4, Ep. 32: “The Job”—35 56% (6—9)
5. Thu: Soul Eater Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”
6. Fri: Samurai 8: The Tale of Hachimaru Vol. 1, Ch. 4: “Family Argument”—6 50% (4—6)
Boruto: The Next Generation Vol.??
7. Sat: Books
-Fiction: Pyramids by Terry Pratchett
-Library: Trans Medicine: The Emergence and Practice of Treating Gender by Stef M. Shuster
-YA: The Giver by Lois Lowry
-Fan Fiction: Final Fantasy: Fated to Ch. 50 by tinygaia Ch. 46—50, 90%
-Nonfiction: Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat 0% (?—??)
View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman 26% (130—502)
-DnD5e: Player’s Hand Book by Wizards of the Coast 0% (?—??)
-Reread
Squirrel: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Last Battle/One Piece Vol. 17 154—155
Games
Tower: .hack//MUTATION
1. JRPG: Final Fantasy X-2 39% (20/52hrs)
2. Backlog:
3. Completion:
4. Multiples: Fable: Anniversary Good 0% (0/21hrs)
5. Bioware: Dragon Age: Origins Kallian Tabris 14% (10/74hrs)
6. Series: .hack//MUTATION 74% (44/50hrs(17/23hrs))
7. Free: God of War ??% (??/33hrs)
Persona 5: Royal
8. Handheld: Persona Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth P3 ??% (??/80hrs)
Stardew Valley
Shows
Tower: Batman: The Animated Series
1. Critical Role Exandria Unlimited Ep 2: “The Oh No Plateau”—8 13%
Dimension 20 Unsleeping City Ep. 2: “Mutant Santa Melee”—17 0%
2. Anime: FLCL 50% (4—6)
Digimon: Adventure Myotismon Arc 25% (23—28(3—8))
3. Online/Owned: Archer Season 2 15% (3—13)
4. Netflix: Moving Pictures Season 3 67% (5—6)
Seven Deadly Sins Season 1 29% (5—24)
5. Disney+: X-Men Season 1 15% (3—13)
6. HBO: Teen Titans Season 1 23% (4—13)
7. Movies: Firefly 21% (4—14)
Moon Knight 50% (4—6)
X-Men
Promare
Castle in the Sky
Solo: A Star Wars Story
Dumbo
Starship Troopers
