Hello Internet,
It has been a long time since I have updated the Bad News Blog, and this was intentional. I found that as I struggled to keep pace with updates, I was also struggling with saying something meaningful. In short, the more words I typed, the less I actually said with them. So, I decided to step back and focus my content and return the blog to a relative status quo.
The Bad News Blog of old was an act of desperation. I was struggling to process an impossible thing, and while I am still struggling to process it, I have found that my desperate clawing at meaning from suffering that is, ultimately, meaningless has done very little to help my mood.
I take every November off from writing for NaNoWriMo, and I have failed to meet my goal for the first time in years. I was not sad about it, though it did upset Noodle. She is very supportive, and she wanted to make sure that I am still writing. Regardless, it has been a long month, and while I am not necessarily happy to be back to writing these, I do have something to discuss.
Monkey's current run of chemo requires bi-weekly hospital stays with a week off in between. Every run of chemo takes about two months to complete, which means that this current run requires a total of four hospital stays in all. We are currently on our last hospital stay, but most of November and the end of October was taken up by long hospital stays.
Normal clinic visits can take up to ten hours out of a day, and those by themselves are exhausting to the point fo throwing me off for a week. Our current stays can last from three to five days on average, with our first week lasting about two and a half days and our most recent involving us waking up at five am on day five and coming home right before school.
The longer we are there, the grumpier both Monkey and I are. She is restless, wanting to get up, but the chemo keeps her trapped, and even after the chemo finishes its run, her IV limits her mobility. Outside of that, she has to eat and drink to help push the chemo through her, as this one is particularly dangerous to her kidneys, but she hates the hospital food and refusing water is a point of pride after a few days at the hospital. By that point, she just wants to have control over something, and that is what she chooses.
I have to keep Kangaroo with me, too, and I have to pick up Squirrel from school. So, my days are spent with me waking up early to come pick up Kangaroo, coming back just in time to set up Monkey's breakfast for her and run down to grab my breakfast, and then coming back to finish my breakfast and feed Kangaroo again. I eat so late most times that I am not hungry until it is time to leave and pick up Squirrel, and then I have all three children with me at the hospital until Noodle gets off work. She visits for a few minutes before she has to take Squirrel and Kangaroo home and take care of them, and the cycle repeats.
Every day is longer and harder, and by the end of our stays I am drained.
Lately, Squirrel has been getting restless. She often gets argumentative around holidays, and her behavior regresses in her excitement. Living with her is a cycle of regression and progression that is more pronounced than with Monkey or any of the students I've taught, and sometimes it just feels like another hurdle for us to jump. We've been fighting a lot lately, and my exhaustion is settling deep into my bones and my guts and threatening to tear me apart.
In all of this, I think often about how I love my family, and I think often of how I don't have the fortitude to do right by them. I keep trying, but every day is harder than the last, and we're all just so tired, but this is the last stay of this sort that we'll have for some time, and Christmas is just around the corner. So, happy holidays, I guess.
Sincerely,
RWS
P.S.
-Short Rest-
Books
Tower: Final Fantasy: Fated by tinygaia
0. One Piece 100% New Chapters Every…
1. Sun: Fullmetal Alchemist Vol. 3, Ch. 10: “The Philosopher’s Stone”—Side Story 20% (2—5)
2. Mon: One-Punch Man Vol. 13, Punch 66: “Great Force”—69 0% (1—5)
3. Tue: My Hero Academia Vol. 12, No. 100: “Creating Ultimate Moves”—108 0% (1—9)
4. Wed: Samurai 8: The Tale of Hachimaru Vol. 2, Ch. 18: “Always Shop Responsibly”—24 22% (3—9)
5. Thu: My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Vol. 7, Ep. 47: “Farewell Party”—53 22% (3—9)
6. Fri: Boruto: The Next Generation Vol.5, Ch. 22: “Fierce Battle Conclusion!”—23 50% (3—4)
7. Sat: Books
-Fiction: Pyramids by Terry Pratchett
-Library: Trans Medicine: The Emergence and Practice of Treating Gender by Stef M. Shuster
-YA: The Giver by Lois Lowry
-Fan Fiction: Final Fantasy: Fated to Ch. 50 by tinygaia Ch. 50—50, 100%
-Nonfiction: Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat 12% (54—440)
View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman 26% (130—502)
-DnD5e: Player’s Handbook by Wizards of the Coast 0% (?—??)
-Reread
Games
Tower: .hack//MUTATION
0. Stardew Valley
1. Free Play
2. Backlog/Star Ocean: The First Departure
4. Final Fantasy X-2 HD Remaster
Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of a New World HD
Multiples/Fable: Anniversary
Dragon Age: Origins Kallian (F City Elf/Alistair Romance/Dark Spawn Chronicles DLC)
Mass Effect 2 Jean Shepard Replay (F Renegade Infiltrator/Romance Jacob/Replay)
.hack//MUTATION
Series/The Walking Dead: Final Season
6. Replay/Persona 5: Royal
Final Fantasy XV: Royal Edition
Kingdom Hearts x: Back Cover
Shows
Tower: Exandria: Unlimited
1. Critical Role: Intermission I: “The Nautilus Ark: A Johnson Corp Odyssey” Ashley’s One Shot--7 43% (4—7)
Dimension 20 Unsleeping City Ep. 8: “Subway Skirmish”—17 41%
2. Anime: Ruroni Kenshin Season 1 0% (1—27)
3. Online/Owned: Fullmetal Alchemist Part I 0% (1—25)
4. Netflix: Seven Deadly Sins Season 1 46% (12—24)
5. Disney+: X-Men Season 1 69% (10—13)
6. HBO: Young Justice Season 1 8% (3—26)
7. Movies: Firefly 29% (5—14)
Moon Knight 67% (5—6)
X-Men
Promare
Castle in the Sky
Solo: A Star Wars Story
Dumbo
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