Bad News Blog VIII/Sickness

 Hello Internet,

Everyone is sick in someway, right?  About three years ago or so, I was diagnosed bipolar.  I cried in the doctor’s office as she told me.  Then, I was given a list of medication to do research on and told to think about it.  I never did look, though.  At the time, I was preparing to take time off for student teaching and was planning to be without health insurance for a few months.  Starting any new medication requires frequent visits to the doctor (about every three months) so they can see how it is affecting you.  For bipolar, it was suggested that lithium would be the most beneficial for my symptoms.  Lithium requires not only regular visits but a lifelong commitment as the metal is poisonous, and while it would help regulate my cycles, it could also kill me.

All of the medications were rough, and I never settled on one.  A year or so later, I did student teaching.  At the time, I had read a few things about ADHD.  They were mostly memes shared by friends of mine who have ADHD, but each time I read one, I felt like it was calling me out personally.  I would read it, and I would tell myself, “No, I am bipolar.  I can’t have ADHD.”  Then, I would read another and feel like it was describing my exact experience.

Again, as I feel I must always preface: I am no doctor.  This is based on my experience and no one else’s.  If you feel that this describes you, then by all means do your own research.  From my understanding of bipolar disorder, you have cycles of elongated periods of depression (often lasting months to sometimes even years) that are usually prefaced by briefer periods of hypo-mania (lasting weeks to sometimes months).  I often felt manic and restless but also experienced periods of depression, often with them existing concurrently.  This can happen if you are experiencing a manic-depressive period, but my cycles between would often be within the space of a week.

With research and reflection now informing me, I do not think that I was bipolar.  I think I was misdiagnosed based upon my explanation of the symptoms I was experiencing.  ADHD is a disorder that often has comorbidities–other conditions or symptoms that coexist with your ADHD–with depression being a major one.  For me, I had been having a tough time for a while.  With abuse from my childhood and repeated traumas and an overwhelming sense of failure pervading everything I did, it wasn’t until I graduated with my masters and got my teaching license that I honestly felt good about myself for the first time in a decade.  It wasn’t until I completed student teaching that I felt like I deserved to feel good about myself.

After student teaching, a lot changed.  I happened upon a Youtube channel for ADHD created and hosted by someone with ADHD that I began to educate myself.  I began doing things that people who have ADHD often do to help them cope with their symptoms (written reminders, bullet journaling, weekly schedules that are easy to update as opposed to monthly or long term schedules, keeping things out in places where I can see them, using pomodoros, etc.) and saw a massive improvement in my mental health.  To me, it seemed far more likely that I didn’t have hypomanic periods followed by periods of depression but that I had ADHD presenting with restlessness and inattentiveness and was going through a period of depression due to lasting and sometimes reoccuring trauma due to my undiagnosed disorder.

Learning as I did and utilizing the information I learned to make informed, educated decisions, helped me.  It helped me to seek a new diagnosis, which then helped me to seek treatment.  Before diagnosis, I had already known what I would be told.  Even still, having the confirmation helped me feel better about utilizing the tools I had already found.

I am still learning how to navigate my condition, if ADHD can really be called a condition (it is more a way of looking at the world, like a lens or a perspective), but I am happier now than I was only years ago, and that is all that really matters in the end.

Thanks for reading,

RWS

P.S.

-Short Rest-

Books

Tower: The Giver by Lois Lowry

0. One Piece Vol. 100, Ch. 1012: “Itch”—1015 64% (8—11)

1. Sun: Fullmetal Alchemist Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”—?? 0% (?—?)

2. Mon: One-Punch Man Vol. 10, Punch 54: “Pumped Up”-54.1 80% (9—10)

3. Tue: Kingdom Hearts Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”—? 0% (?—??)

4. Wed: My Hero Academia Vol. 10, No. 84: “From Ida to Midoriya”—89 33% (4—9)

My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Vol. 4, Ep. 32: “The Job”—35 56% (6—9)

5. Thu: Soul Eater Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”—? 0% (?—??)

6. Fri: Samurai 8: The Tale of Hachimaru Vol. 1, Ch. 4: “Family Argument”—6 50% (4—6)

Boruto: The Next Generation Vol.??

7. Sat: Books

-Fiction: Pyramids by Terry Pratchett

-Library: Trans Medicine: The Emergence and Practice of Treating Gender by Stef M. Shuster

-YA: The Giver by Lois Lowry

-Fan Fiction: Final Fantasy: Fated to Ch. 50 by tinygaia Ch. 46—50, 90% 

-Nonfiction: Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat 0% (?—??)

View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman 26% (130—502)

-DnD5e: Player’s Hand Book by Wizards of the Coast 0% (?—??)

-Reread

Squirrel: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Last Battle/One Piece Vol. 17 154—155

Games

Tower: .hack//MUTATION

1. JRPG: Final Fantasy X-2 39% (20/52hrs)

Tales of Legendia 0% (?/??)

2. Backlog: Digital Devil Saga ??% (??/42hrs)

3. Replay: Persona 5: Royal

4. Multiples: Fable: Anniversary Good 0% (0/21hrs)

5. Completion: Dragon Age: Origins Kallian Tabris 14% (10/74hrs)

6. Series: .hack//MUTATION 74% (44/50hrs(17/23hrs))

7. Free: God of War ??% (??/33hrs)

8. Handheld: Persona Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth P3 ??% (??/80hrs)

Stardew Valley 

Shows

Tower: Batman: The Animated Series

1. Critical Role Exandria Unlimited Ep 1: “The Nameless One”—8 0%

Dimension 20 Unsleeping City Ep. 1: “Starting Spreading the News”—17 0%

2. Anime: FLCL 33% (3—6)

Digimon: Adventure Myotismon Arc 25% (23—28(3—8))

3. Online/Owned: Archer Season 2 15% (3—13)

4. Netflix: Moving Pictures Season 3 67% (5—6)

Seven Deadly Sins Season 1 29% (5—24)

5. Disney+: X-Men Season 1 8% (2—13)

6. HBO: Teen Titans Season 1 15% (3—13)

7. Movies: Firefly 21% (4—14)

Moon Knight 50% (4—6) 

X-Men

Promare

Castle in the Sky

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Dumbo

Starship Troopers