Bad News Blog: "Mistakes"

Hello Internet,

To those few reading, this post will likely date me.  Regardless, I feel like I need to address it, if for nothing else to talk about it and get it out there.  I made a mistake.  In my fatigue and my exhaustion, I said and did some things I shouldn’t have, and now I am still dealing with the emotional whiplash that resulted from it.

Monkey had to go back to the hospital.  She was only there for four days or so, but between the emotional exhaustion and the fold-out couches that serve for beds, I wasn’t able to sleep.  I was diagnosed with ADHD in late Spring of this year, and I have been put on a new stimulant med to help me focus.  The med, along with everything that is going on and the shifting routine that seems to be forever in flux, has ruined my already tattered sleep schedule, and in my sleeplessness, I confessed.

Ever since I was young, I have trouble sleeping.  As I’ve gotten older, I have gotten better at falling asleep.  I still cannot stay asleep to save my life, but falling asleep has been a small blessing.  When Monkey was first diagnosed, I started being kinder to myself.  I changed my morning alarm from 530a to 6a, and I allowed myself to sleep to 7 if I needed.  For that first week, I slept well as the shock lulled me.  Lately, I haven’t been able to sleep.

Returning to the hospital had been hard, harder than that first week had been.  We had been at the hospital for ten days and returned for just about a week when we had to return again.  Sitting in the hospital with her while she cried because we would have to stay, I began crying, too, as soon as the nurse left the room.  I began crying because I realized that this was our new normal, this lack of normalcy.

This stay was shorter but harder.  I hadn’t slept, and I was tired, and over the summer I had worked so hard on this blog.  I’ve been writing an essay for the past few weeks, and I had written another one which (I wasn’t going to publish) I was very proud of.  It was building the portfolio I wanted, and I had just finished editing and story and was setting it up for publishing on the blog.  I wanted to share it, but all of my blog posts had become about Monkey, about her health, and about my health.  I felt like I was lying to everyone and hiding my hurt, and I felt like I was betraying their trust or tricking them into reading about my sorrow.  It didn’t make sense, but I felt like I was keeping this big secret, and so I made a mistake and confessed.

I explained both my fears and my resolution, and looking back, I feel foolish for doing both.  The truth is that I didn’t need to do either.  The mistake in doing so was not that I did it, mind you, but that I felt like I had to.  I owe no one an explanation, not even the people who are reading.  All I am obligated to do in writing and keeping a blog is in writing well.  Nothing else.  Looking back, I should not have felt any pressure to explain anything.  My boundaries are valid, even if right now they feel inadequate to insulate me from a world that is burning.

When I posted this, I got many kind replies.  I got well-wishings and prayers, and I got private messages.  All of it made me uncomfortable, which is how I knew it was a mistake.  This pain is mine, and however I choose to share it is valid.  When I made the post, it was not to share the pain but to share what I had created in spite of it, but pain is what moves people.  It is what provides people for a purpose sometimes, and it is what makes them notice you.  People only want you at your most extreme, your joy or your sorrow.

It saddens me, but I’ve corrected my mistake, and I’m ready to keep moving forward.

 

Sincerely,

RWS

 

P.S.

All of this is still under revision as I am preparing for Kangaroo's coming. Here is the basic version that I have outlined, but I can tell that my anxiety is swelling because I am listin'.

 

Schedule

1. Fullmetal Alchemist/Final Fantasy X-2/Critical Role

2. One-Punch Man/Persona Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth/FLCL

3. Kingdom Hearts (Manga)/Persona 5 Royal/Archer

4. My Hero Academia & Vigilantes/Fable: Anniversary/Moving Pictures

5. Soul Eater/Dragon Age: Origins/Disney+

6. Samurai 8: Hachimaru/.hack//MUTATION/Teen Titans

7. Final Fantasy: Fated/Free Play/Movie