Hello Internet,
All my life, I feel like I’ve been waiting. When I dropped out, I waited to turn eighteen and get my GED. When I started college, I waited for a place in the dorms. When I graduated, I waited for a new job to open up for me. Right now, I am waiting for the year to be done so that I can return to work—already, this experiment has failed.
Lately, I’ve been doing a different sort of waiting. Since Noodle is heavy with Kangaroo and Monkey is sick, I am the one who spends most of the time with her in clinic and in the hospital getting her treatment. The last time we had to go and do a hospital stay, I was the one who had to take her, and the other night we had another scare, and I was going to go with her again. Beyond that, I am her nurse at home and am the one who gives the medicine she needs to fight the cancer—it is toxic, and it can be dangerous for Noodle and Kangaroo to be exposed to it.
Normally, I can use my time waiting for writing. Part of having ADHD is that you’re never short on things to do. You regularly over schedule yourself with tasks so that if you are ever given free time, you immediately have something that can be done during that time to make sure that it isn’t actually free. The battle is, of course, remembering what it is you need to do and having all of the necessary components to do it, but that is for another post.
Lately, I’ve been experiencing an extra amount of executive dysfunction. Fluctuation in symptoms is normal, but as my symptoms become more pronounced, so does my anxiety. That, in turn, increases stress, which increases irritability, which destabilizes home and makes it harder for me to function. All of it is a deadly cycle that feeds itself, so it’s important for me to stay on top of my dysfunction and to keep productive so that I feel accomplished and satisfied with myself.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been experiencing headaches, sudden bouts of dizziness, a thrumming or ringing in my ear, and most recently numbness and aching in my feet, hands, ankles, and wrists. It rained today, and so far I’ve been better, but that in conjunction with all of my other health issues makes me worry. I don’t have health insurance, and diabetes and heart disease run in my family. To this point in my life, it has not been a problem, but even Neo can’t keep dodging bullets forever, right?
My dad passed recently, and it has got me thinking a lot about my health. Noodle thinks it might be stress, and I think that makes as much sense as anything else. I know that sleep has been in short supply lately. Kangaroo is on the way, Monkey is sick, and Squirrel is, well, Squirrel. Every day I find myself wearing thinner and thinner, and with a baby on the way and Monkey’s continued treatment there is no clear rest in the future. I keep hoping, but it seems more likely that the world will just wind up and throw another stone. I mean, when it rains, after all.
Even if it is “just stress,” that alone doesn’t make it an easy problem to solve. For anyone who has ever experienced stress, it is obvious to you that there are no easy solutions to stress. With a baby and leukemia on my mind, I cannot see any real solutions save for working hard and keeping my head down until the trouble passes. It is hard to keep your home in order when you spend your days waiting for the next week-long hospital stay, and it only gets more difficult when you remember that a new child is on the way, ready to upend any routine you set for yourself.
There are bright spots, however. Recently, I spoke with Squirrel about legally adopting her. Monkey and Squirrel are both mine. They were made with different people, but I am their only father and have been for years. Monkey has already been adopted due to circumstance, but I always wanted to give them the opportunity to decide for themselves. I’ve been waiting for them to be old enough to make that choice, but Squirrel has been telling me for years emphatically that she wants me to adopt her. Only recently am I of sound mind enough to realize that the hang up was not her age but my own insecurity. I didn’t feel like she should want me to adopt her because I never feel good enough, but she is giving me the answer right now, huh?
This year off was meant to be time for me to write and to get my house in order. Without healthcare and with the housing market and inflation, it is having to turn into something else entirely. If I am to be the father I want to be to my children, then my return to the classroom is inevitable, not potential. Acknowledging that means prioritizing my family over my passion, an admission that is much harder for me to admit than might be understood from the outside. I will do it when the time comes, of course, but until then I am stuck waiting again.
Put simply: I like being at home. I like cleaning, and I love writing and having time and energy for the girls (though, lately, both of those are in short supply, all things considered). Increasingly, I hardly have time to breathe or to sleep, and that is part of the dysfunction. I have a lot on my plate by anyone’s measure, and dysfunction makes the small and easy stuff much bigger and much harder to hold. At home, I struggle to find motivation to do anything more than the basic, and as it is, I don’t get back the spoons I need from the things I do to relax. I’m worried that everything will come crashing down around me, and that is only made worse as my ears thrum or my head pulses.
It sometimes feels to me like I’ve spent my entire life waiting. Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time waiting not for things to happen but for treatment. I wait for Monkey’s medicine to cycle through her, or I wait for Squirrel to stop fuming and come back to the family with a smile. I’m waiting for Kangaroo to come home, for school to start, for sleep to find me. I’m waiting for the end of my year at home and the next chapter of my life to begin. Waiting can be hard with ADHD, and lately I’ve been feeling dizzy and tired. Noodle thinks it’s stress, but with the stress already there it becomes an endless cycle outside of my control as I continue to wait, and wait, and wait.
Sincerely,
RWS
P.S.
-Short Rest-
Books
Tower: The Giver by Lois Lowry
0. One Piece Vol. 100+, Ch. 1052: “A New Morning”—1058+ 74% (33—43)
1. Sun: Fullmetal Alchemist Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”—?? 0% (?—?)
2. Mon: One-Punch Man Vol. 10, Punch 54: “Pumped Up”-54.1 80% (9—10)
3. Tue: Kingdom Hearts Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”
4. Wed: My Hero Academia Vol. 10, No. 84: “From Ida to Midoriya”—89 33% (4—9)
My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Vol. 4, Ep. 32: “The Job”—35 56% (6—9)
5. Thu: Soul Eater Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”
6. Fri: Samurai 8: The Tale of Hachimaru Vol. 1, Ch. 4: “Family Argument”—6 50% (4—6)
Boruto: The Next Generation Vol.??
7. Sat: Books
-Fiction: Pyramids by Terry Pratchett
-Library: Trans Medicine: The Emergence and Practice of Treating Gender by Stef M. Shuster
-YA: The Giver by Lois Lowry
-Fan Fiction: Final Fantasy: Fated to Ch. 50 by tinygaia Ch. 46—50, 90%
-Nonfiction: Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat 0% (?—??)
View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman 26% (130—502)
-DnD5e: Player’s Hand Book by Wizards of the Coast 0% (?—??)
-Reread
Squirrel: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Last Battle/One Piece Vol. 17 154—155
Games
Tower: .hack//MUTATION
1. JRPG: Final Fantasy X-2 39% (20/52hrs)
2. Backlog:
3. Completion:
4. Multiples: Fable: Anniversary Good 0% (0/21hrs)
5. Bioware: Dragon Age: Origins Kallian Tabris 14% (10/74hrs)
6. Series: .hack//MUTATION 74% (44/50hrs(17/23hrs))
7. Free: God of War ??% (??/33hrs)
Persona 5: Royal
8. Handheld: Persona Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth P3 ??% (??/80hrs)
Stardew Valley
Shows
Tower: Batman: The Animated Series
1. Critical Role Exandria Unlimited Ep 2: “The Oh No Plateau”—8 13%
Dimension 20 Unsleeping City Ep. 2: “Mutant Santa Melee”—17 0%
2. Anime: FLCL 67% (5—6)
Digimon: Adventure Myotismon Arc 25% (23—28(3—8))
3. Online/Owned: Archer Season 2 31% (5—13)
4. Netflix: Seven Deadly Sins Season 1 29% (5—24)
5. Disney+: X-Men Season 1 15% (3—13)
6. HBO: Teen Titans Season 1 31% (5—13)
7. Movies: Firefly 21% (4—14)
Moon Knight 50% (4—6)
X-Men
Promare
Castle in the Sky
Solo: A Star Wars Story
Dumbo
Starship Troopers
❤️
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