Bad News Blog IX/Exhaustion II

 Hello Internet,

            I had talked before about how tired I am, but until yesterday, I’m not certain that I knew what tired really was.  With Kangaroo coming and me worrying over my health, I’ve been making sure to take time to care for myself.  As anyone who has ADHD can attest: this is difficult.  In America, we’re conditioned to work 24/7 by nature.  People with ADHD often feel a sense of guilt or have been conditioned to view themselves as lazy or inadequate because of their struggles with executive function and focus.  The result is people who refuse to rest even when they need it and people who view their own rest as a moral failing rather than a necessity.

            By prioritizing my health, I have actually done a lot to help with my health.  Even still, I am having trouble with my allergies.  My ear was aching horribly for days even as the ringing eased, and my head has been throbbing.  I have been taking steps to mitigate by getting up and stretching, but that can be hard.  Pomodoros are effective when you have time to do them and ineffective when you get interrupted every five minutes. 

            Last night, I slept on the couch.  I’ve been so restless, and I don’t want to keep Noodle awake while she is gestating.  This morning, the pain is eased but I am still feeling quite fatigued.  Yesterday, however, I had to stop writing for a bit.  Normally, I try to get four or so pages done a day, but Monkey started a new stage of treatment and it required her to be sedated.

            I was working on a blog post but did not finish it.  As Monkey drifted off, I closed my computer to watch.  Honestly, I wish I hadn’t, but I didn’t know what else to do.  Watching was hard, but leaving the room would have been harder.  Staying gave me a sense of control over the situation, even as it made me feel totally and absolutely powerless.  Being outside would have been me pacing and waiting for the procedure to end. So, I stayed and watched.

            I stayed and watched them put her under, her body so small and limp.  I stayed and watched them apply local anesthetic while she lay still and unmoving on her side.  I stayed and watched as they move her and positioned her like a doll in preparation for the procedure.  I stayed and watched as they inserted the needle, as they took their samples, as they held her in place.  She didn’t move, and I could barely see her breathing.  It reminded me of Jet when he was put down, and that was not a comforting thought.

            The procedures she had were small surgeries in a technical sense.  They were done to check how her cancer is progressing.  At this point, Monkey should be in remission.  Based upon her genetic markers and treatment plan, she is highly responsive toward the chemo treatment they are giving her, which gives her an even better chance of recovery.  Now, before I continue, allow me to clarify on remission (which I may have clarified before; bare with me). Essentially, remission is the point at which we can no longer see cancer cells in the samples taken.  In this case, the samples being taken are blood, marrow, and spinal fluids.

            Despite how advanced our medical technology has become, there is no way to get a full body image of our entire circulatory system.  Instead, we take samples and look through them on microscopes of varying sizes and power.  Remission is when cancer cells cannot be spotted within the samples taken, though it may not indicate the total eradication of cancer inside of the body (which is why treatment is continued even after going into total remission).

            Yesterday, Monkey had a lumbar puncture to draw spinal fluid for examination and also to put more chemo in to make sure to eliminate any cancer that may be hiding there (as cancer in the spine can spread very quickly to other parts of her body).  So far, she has had no cancer spotted inside of her spinal fluid.  She has had a number of LPs already, though this is the first one which I have gotten to witness.  Spoiler: I will become desensitized to them in a matter of weeks, she will get them so frequently (and I know this because I am writing this FROM THE FUTURE!)

            The did one more procedure while she was out: a bone marrow biopsy.  The lumbar puncture pierced the spine.  It used a long, thin needle to draw out the spinal fluid and then a syringe to put the chemo in.  The bone marrow biopsy was done a bit over to her right, presumably in her hip, and the needle used is much larger and, from what I understood, had to go much deeper.

            To draw the marrow, her nurse (Koala) had another nurse and the anesthesiologist hold Monkey in place for counter pressure.  She had to use what appeared to be a handle to drill the needle into her, though I may have been misunderstanding that.  Monkey was so small and the needle went so deep into her.  I watched Koala spin and crank the needle into Monkey’s tiny body as two people held her in place against it, and then I hid my eyes in my hands to keep from crying.

            They draw the marrow for two tests.  In the first, they will stain the sample with dye and look to see how many cancer cells they can find.  This test can be done in house, and so the results are quicker, but they are not as accurate.  The other will require the sample to be sent out of state to a large microscope (one of three in the U.S., I think) that can look at millions and millions of cells at a time and get a more accurate read.  This is the one they will base her remission status off of, but it will take more time to access and get results back from.

            They took two samples of marrow from her and then bandaged her up.  Our nurse practitioner Koala is amazing, by the way, but also practical.  That part of her personality really works for our family, but I also think it sometimes makes it difficult for her to understand.  She works with this all day, which is a challenge in itself.  We don’t.  Watching my daughter be put to sleep, watching her be needled and moved was hard.  Not watching would have been even worse.

            Monkey bled through her bandage afterward.  It soaked into her clothes and looks almost like she had survived and attempted murder.  She woke up afterward and laid for forty minutes so that the chemo could move more easily through her spine.  We came home six hours after we arrived, and I was fried to a crisp.  Next week, we begin our next month-long round of chemo, which will be even more intensive.  Two months after that will be the third, which will require week-long hospital stays.  For now, it’s four days a week in the hospital with Kangaroo on the way.

            I am exhausted, and the horizon looks stormy, but there is a rainbow there even if there is no pot of gold to find at the end of it.  I have a good family, a healthy marriage, and a year off of work to figure it out.  This will not last forever, and while I hate the waiting, I can honestly say that I am glad for the time.

           Thanks for reading.

 

Sincerely,

RWS

P.S.

-Short Rest-

Books

Tower: Final Fantasy: Fated by tinygaia

0. One Piece 100% New Chapters Every…

1. Sun: Fullmetal Alchemist Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”—?? 0% (?—?)

2. Mon: One-Punch Man Vol. 11, Punch 55: “Interruption”-59 0% (1—10)

3. Tue: Kingdom Hearts Vol. 1, Ch. 3: “The Light Within the Hand”

4. Wed: My Hero Academia Vol. 10, No. 88: “All For One”—89 78% (8—9)

My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Vol. 4, Ep. 32: “The Job”—35 56% (6—9)

5. Thu: Soul Eater Vol. 1, Ch. 1: “”

6. Fri: Samurai 8: The Tale of Hachimaru Vol. 1, Ch. 4: “Family Argument”—6 50% (4—6)

Boruto: The Next Generation Vol.??

7. Sat: Books

-Fiction: Pyramids by Terry Pratchett

-Library: Trans Medicine: The Emergence and Practice of Treating Gender by Stef M. Shuster

-YA: The Giver by Lois Lowry

-Fan Fiction: Final Fantasy: Fated to Ch. 50 by tinygaia Ch. 49—50, 96% 

-Nonfiction: Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat 0% (?—??)

View from the Cheap Seats by Neil Gaiman 26% (130—502)

-DnD5e: Player’s Hand Book by Wizards of the Coast 0% (?—??)

-Reread

Games

Tower: .hack//MUTATION

1. JRPG: Final Fantasy X-2 52% (27/52hrs)

2. Backlog: God of War ??% (??/33hrs)

3. Completion: Final Fantasy XV: Royal Edition ??% (??/125hrs)

4. Multiples: Fable: Anniversary Good 0% (0/21hrs)

5. Bioware: Dragon Age: Origins Kallian Tabris 14% (10/74hrs)

6. Series: .hack//MUTATION 74% (44/50hrs(17/23hrs))

7. Free: Persona 5: Royal

8. Handheld: Persona Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth P3 ??% (??/80hrs)

Stardew Valley 

Shows

Tower: Exandria: Unlimited

1. Critical Role Exandria Unlimited Ep 3: “A Glorious Return”—8 15%

Dimension 20 Unsleeping City Ep. 3: “Pigeon Plus Ones”—17 13%

2. Anime: Digimon: Adventure Myotismon Arc 25% (23—28(3—8))

3. Online/Owned: Archer Season 2 46% (7—13)

4. Netflix: Seven Deadly Sins Season 1 29% (8—24)

5. Disney+: X-Men Season 1 39% (6—13)

6. HBO: Teen Titans Season 1 54% (8—13)

7. Movies: Firefly 21% (4—14)

Moon Knight 50% (4—6) 

X-Men

Promare

Castle in the Sky

Solo: A Star Wars Story

Dumbo

The Unnamed Saga: Sisters and Song Script, Chapter Ten: "Field of Graves"

 Chapter Ten: Field of Graves

Open on a black screen and the sounds of chaos.  People are screaming and running.

An explosion fills the screen.  Show magical light silhouetting a city street.  People are burning.

The light fades.  In the back a green arc of lightning fills the sky.

Show green fire at the edge of the screen on one of the buildings in the distance.  A yellow beam of light hits a nearby building and melts it.

Show a sphere of water floating in the air.  It is surrounded by dark blue light.

The water falls onto a nearby building and smothers the flame.

Show Diando.  His hands pulse with dark blue light.  Villagers sprint around him.

He turns to the crowd.

Diando: “Take cover in the forest; keep low and quiet.  We need to disperse, make it harder to find us.”

An arrow catches him in the shoulder.

He falls to a knee.  A group of Fionan soldiers approach from behind him.  Three swordsmen lead an archer who is stringing another arrow.

The archer lets the second arrow fly.

Diando conjures a dark blue shield and deflects the arrow.

He turns with his bloodied hand and throws a torrent of blue flame down the street.

The flames swallow the Fionan soldiers.  They scream in agony.

Show Diando standing, holding his bleeding shoulder in a haze of blue light.

Show him from behind, standing and facing the flames.  Green light shines from above.  Fionan soldiers enter from the side streets.  Their blades gleam.

They approach cautiously.

They stop as they hit a white wall of light.

Remi approaches from behind Diando.

Remi: “Are you hurt?”

Diando: “I’m pissed!”

Diando’s hands writhe with blue flame.

Remi: “Must we?”

Diando: “They live, they kill more innocent people.”

Remi sighs.

Show the soldiers.  The shield fades.

Hold on the soldiers as a current of blue flame engulfs the area and spills down the streets.

A white light follows and smothers the flames.

Diando kneels.  He is panting and sweating.  His right arm is dark with blood.

Remi kneels at his side and grabs the arrow.

Remi: “This will hurt.”

Diando: “Do it.”

Remi pulls the arrow out.  Blood gushes from the wound.  Diando grits his teeth.

Remi puts his hand to the wound.  His hand glows white.

Diando relaxes.

They stand together.

Diando: “Thank you.”

Remi nods.

Remi: “You’re very welcome.  We should move now.”

Diando: “But the villagers…”

Show Diando and Remi standing side-by-side.  Their cloaks flutter in the heat and the wind.  Show the airship floating above in a smear of green light.  Show the city burning around them.

Show Remi’s frowning.

Remi: “Those that could escape have, and those that couldn’t…”

Show Diando’s face.  He has tears in his eyes.

He wipes his face.

Diando: “You’re right. The city’s lost.  Let’s go.”

Diando stands while Remi turns away.

Show Diando staring at the hill in the distance.  It is still night but light is creeping over the hills.  Silverthrone smolders.

Diando turns.

The screen goes black.

Open on to the forest by night. Show it from a distance. The sky is dark and moonless, but the stars sparkle in the sky.  A light wind blows and rustles the branches.

Show Silvaran soldiers move through the underbrush.

Show some looking over a hill.  Before them shines a Fionan camp.

Show the Fionan camp, which is empty save for a few soldiers.  They have torches on the perimeter of the camp and a few guards.  The guards carry swords at their hips.

Show a fire burning at the center of the camp.  It is large enough to illuminate the entire camp.

Show the camp from a distance.  Dawn is just behind a hill and looking over. The light of the camp is dim there.  Sir Thomas, Remi, and Diando are at her sides.  They are surrounded by Silvaran soldiers.

Dawn kneels down into her cover and looks at Nick.

Dawn: “They’re here?”

Remi: “Supposedly. They’re supposed to be kept in the center-most tent.”

Dawn peeks over the hill again.

Show the Fionan guards standing in front of the camp.

Show a view of the camp just right of them.
Show a view of the camp just to the left.

Dawn kneels back down and looks at Sir Thomas.

Dawn: “The defenses are light.”

Thomas: “Too light.”

Diando: “It just makes it that much easier.”

Dawn looks at Remi.

Remi nods.

Dawn looks at her soldiers.

Show the Silvaran soldiers waiting.

Dawn: “We’re moving.  Spread the word.”

The Silvaran soldiers disperse.

Dawn: “Let’s move around to the other side, see if it’s more lightly guarded.  If we can, I’d like to get in unnoticed.”

Diando, Remi, and Sir Thomas move to inform their own groups.

Dawn grabs Sir Thomas.

Dawn: “Does any of this feel off to you?”

Thomas: “All of it.  We can turn back, if you like.”

Dawn looks at the Silvaran soldiers in the distance.  

Show them spread out and gathering up.

She sighs.

Dawn: “No, we’re already here, I just can’t shake this feeling.”

Thomas: “You’re fine, you’re just feeling the weight of leadership.”

Dawn: “Yeah, I guess.”

Thomas: “You’ll be fine.  Now, we should move before Diando charges in and sets the camp on fire.”

Dawn: “He does seem a bit more head-strong than usual.”

They laugh as Sir Thomas helps Dawn to standing.

Cut to the Anthem mansion at night.  Mary is sitting in a room alone.  She is sewing while staring out the window.  The city shines in the foreground.

Elsea enters the room.

Elsea: “Miss Mary, have you seen the princess?”

Mary: “Not as of late, darling.  Surprising, as you are often at her heels, no?  Now, now, don’t you be hurt by that, it is merely an observation, no judgment involved.  After all, isn’t it your duty as a handmaiden to be there?”

Elsea: “I suppose, but the way you phrase things at times…”

Mary: “I do offer my sincerest apologies if I have offended.”

Elsea: “Accepted.”

Mary: “All of that aside, I wouldn’t worry overmuch about the princess.  She is a capable girl in her own right, and hardly has the inclination toward trouble of our favorite prince.”

Elsea: “Yes, I agree, but still, it would be nice if she were to tell me when she has wandered off.”

Mary: “Wouldn’t it just.  She has been rather curious as of late, as well, and seems somehow taken with the chapel.”

Elsea: “I had noticed as well.”

They go quiet.  Mary hums while sewing.

Elsea takes a seat across from her.

Elsea peeks at Mary.

Elsea: “Excuse me, Miss Mary, but are you sewing?”

Mary: “I am doing something of the kind, though I am sure you’re far more accomplished in the art.”

Elsea blushes.

Elsea: “No, no, you seem quite fine at it.”

Mary: “You’re a poor liar, good lady.”

Elsea: “Miss Mary.”

Mary: “Yes, yes, you wouldn’t ever dare to utter a falsehood on your life.  Why, it would ruin your pretty skin with worry-lines and guilt, wouldn’t it?”

Elsea: “What is it that you’re sewing?”

Mary: “Another eye patch for when Zelos returns.  Can’t very well have him going off and shining like a beacon whenever we find a moment of respite, can we now?”

Elsea: “I suppose, but if I were to be completely honest, and I mean no offense, he didn’t seem very fond of the last one you made.”

Mary: “Young boys hardly know what is good for them.”

Mary holds up the fabric and looks at it.

Mary: “Besides, his dissatisfaction was part of the fun.  All of that considered, however, that last one was made from scraps and thrown together.  This one will be made with fine, fashionable Anthem silks and the like.  Why, I dare to hope he may even take a shine to it.”

Elsea: “Yes, we can hope.”

Mary: “I will be glad to have him back whatever the case.  Just as you are with the princess, it is nerve-wracking to have that boy away, and might I add that he is a sight less capable than she in terms of the real world.”

Elsea: “He can be lost in the clouds at times, but that’s what makes him—him.”

Mary smiles.

Mary: “It very much is, isn’t it, good lady?”

Cut to the Fionan camp interior.  The area is brightly lit.  The fire in the center blazes.

Show Silvaran soldiers sneaking through the camp.  They move silently pass a few tents.

Show a view facing the tents and Silvaran soldiers moving in the background, passing between two tents.  Show two Fionan soldiers looking out into the night.  Torches burn beside them.

Fionan Soldier7: “Hey, I’m going to grab something to eat.  You need anything?”

Fionan Soldier8: “Nah, I’m fine. Just hurry back.  This night feels wrong.”

Fionan Soldier7: “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

Fionan Soldier7 stands.

As Fionan Soldier7 turns an arrow hits him in the neck and he is downed.

Fionan Soldier 8 looks back and grabs at his sword.  An arrow hits him through the visor.

Show Dawn peeking down the tent with another arrow ready.

She gestures soldiers forward.

Sir Thomas leads three Silvaran Soldiers forward.

Sir Thomas checks a tent.

Show Dawn and Silvarans looking into a tent.

Show Diando and Remi checking the interior of an empty tent.

Show the camp from above.  Silvaran soldiers are walking along out in the open.  There are no other Fionan guards save for the two.

Show an empty tent interior.

Show Dawn standing near the center, beside the flame.  Diando approaches her from behind.

Diando: “What in the world is going on?  An empty camp, watched by two soldiers?”

Dawn: “Yeah, it’s weird.”

Remi: “Perhaps they moved them just before we arrived?”

Diando: “Why would they? How would they have known? Dawn, where did we get this information?”

Dawn and Sir Thomas exchange glances.

Dawn: “Nick, but…”

Show the shadows surrounding the camp thicken.

Dawn: “We have no reason to doubt him.  Why would he help us out of the city and then betray us now?”

Diando: “Bah, traitors do whatever they have to.”

Thomas: “Be careful, mage.  I’ve had just enough of your talking down to everyone, especially the princess.”

Diando: “Oh yeah, big man?”

Diando steps up into Sir Thomas’ face.

Remi takes Diando’s hand.

Diando looks back to find Remi looking away wide-eyed.

Diando: “What?”

Remi: “We need to run.”

A tent explodes in a surge of shadows.

The shadows spread and grab hold of two Silvaran soldiers.  

Black tendrils spread through the Silvaran’s soldiers’ legs.

The Silvaran soldiers’ bodies explode outward in a spray of blood.  They are replaced by dark spires dripping with blood.

Show the party from the front.  Behind them, shadows are smothering the fire.

Remi: “Go!”

Remi shoves Diando ahead.

Show Dawn.  Shadows land around her, leaving deep gouges in the earth.

Sir Thomas steps in to protect her and raises his shield.

Dark blue light surrounds them and bulges out, widening the gaps between the shadows.

Show Diando with his hands glowing.

Diando: “Come on! Move already!”

Sir Thomas leads Dawn away.

Show the party running.  A nearby tent bursts open.  Shadows swirl and spike out, tearing the fabric to bits.  Standing amongst the chaos is Thanatos.

Show the writhing shadows around it.  It growls.

Show a group of Silvaran soldiers running.

Show the Silvaran soldiers seized by shadows and impaled.

Show a torch lying on the ground.

Thanatos’ steel boot crushes the torch

Show Niva running through the camp.  She passes a tent.

The tent explodes behind her and shadows encircle her.

She trips and screams.

White magic surrounds her and pulls her.

Shadows stab into the earth where she was.

Remi helps Niva up.

Niva: “Oh, gods, I thought I was…”

Remi: “Don’t think, dear, just hurry.”

Cut to a hill overlooking the camp.  Dawn is at the crest panting.

She hops down into hiding.

She peeks over.

Show the camp in the distance.  It is dark now.  Shadows cling to everything.

Dawn sits down.  She is surrounded by her royal guard, Sir Thomas, Niva, Remi, Diando, and the remainder of her troops.

Thomas: “We need to leave.”

Dawn: “We can’t let it follow us to the base.”

Thomas: “We can’t let it find us, either!”

Niva: “What is it?”

Thomas: “It doesn’t matter.  Whatever it is, we need to survive it.”

Diando: “For once, I agree.”

Dawn: “Fine, fine, let’s go back then.”

Dawn stands stooped.

Show Dawn from the front.  Shadows surge behind her, fanning and pointed, like teeth prepared to bite.  She can feel them and stares ahead wide-eyed.

Show Diando and Remi preparing runes while soldiers scatter.  Niva screams.

Show Dawn turning.  Blood sprays across her face.

Show Sir Thomas standing before her.  He has his shield up but the shadowy teeth have broken through it easily.  They stick out of his arm and dig into his shoulder.  Blood runs from his mouth.

Dawn: “Thomas!”

Thomas: “Go!”

Dawn: “But…”

Silvaran Royal Guard3: “Go, princess, we’ll handle this.”

Dawn looks at Silvaran Royal Guard3 as he prepares his sword.

Another guardsman stands beside Sir Thomas and jabs his weapon into the shadows.

Silvaran Royal Guard2: “This is our duty to you, and it is a matter of personal honor for ourselves.”

Dawn: “But—But you’ll all…”

Remi grabs Dawn.

Remi: “Come, princess.”

Dawn: “Thank you, thank all of you.  You—You’ve made Silvara proud!”

Sir Thomas smiles.

He swings with his sword and cuts a tendril off.  It dissolves into the night.

He leans into Royal Guard2

Thomas: “Good, then I’ve done myself proud.”

Remi leads Dawn and Niva away.

Sir Thomas grabs Diando.

Thomas: “Listen, she’s more important than you, than all of us.  You protect her, or so help me I will come back from this shallow, unmarked grave, and I will…”

Thanatos howls off in the distance.

They both look.

Diando nods.

Cut to the forest outside of the resistance base.  Show Niva kneeling in the dirt.  She is clutching Remi’s cloak and crying.

Show Remi’s pale face as he stares in wide-eyed horror.  Diando curses beside him.  His face is smeared with blood.

Show Dawn.  She is stoic and bloody.

Show the cavern mouth.  The trees in front are lined with dead bodies.

The soldiers behind Dawn murmur.

Niva struggles for breath.

Niva vomits.  Remi kneels beside her and pats her back.

Dawn turns and takes a dagger from a nearby soldier.

She walks away.

Show Remi soothing Niva.

They both look up.

Show Dawn atop a branch.  She is cutting a soldier down.

The body falls and hits the ground with a crunch.  Blood bubbles out of its blackened skin.

Dawn leaps down and looks at them.

Dawn: “Come on.  We’ve got graves to dig.

Cut to the forest by daybreak.  The sun is peeking over the mountains.  Show Dawn standing over dozens of fresh graves.  She is covered in dirt and dried blood, and she looks exhausted.  Diando is with her and is in the very same state.

He touches her shoulder.

Diando: “Listen, I—I’m no good at stuff like this.  Normally Remi would—Well, he’s with the girl right now, so.  So just tell me how to comfort you, and I’ll do it.  What can I do?”

Show Dawn standing in the graves.

Show the graves stretching out around her.

Show Dawn’s tired face staring bleakly forward.

Dawn: “Nothing.”

Diando: “Princess?”

Dawn: “There’s no comforting me, Diando.  There’s just…this.”

Dawn walks away.

Show Diando standing alone in the graves.

Cut to black.