Hello Internet,
Lately, I have been feeling melancholy. There are a number of reasons for that. Transition is always difficult for me. I dislike the chaos of change, but I grow bored with routine. Whenever a big change is coming, I build systems met to predict what that change in routine will look like but find that these new systems do not fit the current state of existence I am inhabiting as I wait for the change. That is to say: I'm not working yet, so having a schedule built around the work I am not yet doing is simply a lot of wasted time and a general recipe for frustration.
As a result of this anxiety I feel having a routine without routine as I wait with nervous anticipation for what the year will look like after the dust has settled and the newness has worn off, I often feel irritable. I am short with my kids as I struggle to fit in as much and as many of the things I need to get done in this open hole of negative space that I am quickly filling up with tasks, trips, and special things to do. It isn't sustainable and takes what should be good moments and makes them tense and uncomfortable.
What ends up happening is that I ultimately spend my days exhausted by the idea of doing anything and feeling anxious and guilty because I feel like I am doing nothing. For what it is worth, this is a common part of ADHD, but experiencing it is difficult, frustrating, and really depressing. I see my family, from our baby Kangaroo, to Monkey's recovering health, to Ratatoskr's neurotic, fussy sweetness, to my wife working hard and supporting me discreetly and without judgment, and I know that I should be happy and feel guilty because I am not.
Lately, I have been finding things to be upset about. I spend a lot of my time reading about the state of hte world and taking on battles of things that I am not affected by. I get angry on behalf of others and form opinions about things that do not involve me or which other, more qualified people handle. And in ways I should. The state of the world is almost a direct result of people 'staying in their lane,' and not bothering themselves with the suffering of others. Think about it: how much better would the world be if people had been advocating and fighting for black people all the time the same way that they did after George Floyd's murder?
I digress, though, or more accurately, I make excuses. My arm chair activism and anxious catastrophizing is not helping anyone and is making me a frayed mess. The voice at the back of my head telling me that I have to care to the point of unhappiness is the same voice that tells me Noodle has gotten in a car wreck every time she gets home late from work. It is anxiety looking for something for me to be upset about, and it is destroying me.
Today, I am playing Persona 3 Portable. Persona 3 is a game about the inevitibility of death and the importance of choosing hope in moments of bleakness and despair. I am late in the game, and at this point in the narrative a cult surrounding a god of death, Nyx, has risen, and they are spreading a message of hopeless apathy. The Fall is preordained, and we are all going to die.
I beat this game years ago when I was in my mid-twenties. At the time, I was living at home with my parents. I was single. I was sad, and I thought that the Death Cult seemed silly. Now, almost a full decade later, I replay this part of the story with an appreciation that I previously lacked. Living in a post-COVID world where every day is hotter because of corporate greed and self-serving politicians, I can see the allure of apathy, and I can also see the importance of the decision to choose hope against overwhelming odds.
So, today, I have hopes for the year. I hope Noodle will continue to excel at her classes while choosing her mental health of her grades. I hope that Ratatoskr will learn that not everything has to be immediate and that waiting for things does not mean that you will lose them. I hope that Monkey's treatment continues to go well, and that her recovery will be expedient. I hope that Kangaroo will be happy, healthy, and maybe gain a few pounds. As for me? I hope I find somewhere safe to land and that I take a few moments to appreciate all the good I have while I worry and fuss over how far we as a species have to go until we can make everything we've broken be a little bit better.
Thanks for reading.
Sincerely,
RWS
P.S.
-Short Rest-
-Short Rest Schedule-
1. Disc World: The Color of Magic/Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin/Critical Role: Campaign 3
2. One-Punch Man/Yakuza Kiwami/Outlaw Star
3. The Emperor and I/DnD5e/Firefly
4. My Hero Academia/Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World/Seven Deadly Sins
5. Soul Eater/Hell Night/Gargoyles
6. Boruto: The Next Generation/Final Fantasy III/Batman: The Animated Series
7. Free/Free, Persona 3: Portable, & Dragon Age II/Dimension 20: A Crown of Candy
-Books-
1. Book: Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat ?% (??—440pgs)
2. One Punch Man Vol. 22, Punch 102: “Superhuman”—106 0% (1—5)
3. The Emperor and I Vol. 4, Ch. 29: “Emperor and Colds”—38 0% (1—20)
4. My Hero Academia Vol. 17, Ch. 151: “Mirio Togata!!”—157 30% (4—10)
5. Soul Eater Vol. 3, Ch. 7: “Uncanny Sword (part 1)”—9 25% (2—4)
6. Boruto: The Next Generation Vol. 11, No. 40: “The Invisible Jutsu”—43 0% (1—4)
7. Free.
-Games-
0. Stardew Valley
Persona 3 Portable 102% (85/83)
1. Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin 0% (0/30hrs)
2. Yakuza Kiwami 0% (0/37hrs)
3. DnD5e/Movie
4. Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World 2% (1/43hrs)
5. Write Night
6. Final Fantasy III 0% (0/35hrs)
7. Dragon Age II Athen Hawke 2% (42/48hrs)
-Shows-
1. Critical Role Campaign 3 Part I Ep. 4: “On the Trail of a Killer”—11 (Level Up to 5) 18% (4—11)
2. Anime/Outlaw Star 23% (7—26)
3. Owned/Firefly 35% (6—14)
4. Netflix/Seven Deadly Sins Season 1 92% (24—24)
5. Disney+/Gargoyles Season 1 54% (8—13)
6. Batman: The Animated Series 29% (33-109)
7. Dimension 20: A Crown of Candy 7: “Escape from the Bulb Creeps”—19 37% (8—19)
8. Movies 13% (2—8)
-Anime/.hack//LIMINALITY “The Case of Yuki Aihara”
-Owned/Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within
-Netflix.
-Disney+/Bambi
X2: X-Men United
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
-HBO/My Neighbor Totoro
-DCAU/Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
